Forced sabbatical

[Jeebs]

Hi guys,

Before I write, I hope that this is not violating any protocol here. If it is, then I apologize. However, I have a lot of baggage that I need to get off my chest, a lot of which will probably come as a surprise.

As you have probably noticed, my participation here at Paceandcap has suddenly stopped to a trickle. Let me point out that this has nothing to do with the people here in the group. This is a great group of handicappers and I have picked up valuable insights from most of you over time. However, life - and in many cases - the one living that life (me) gets in the way. Nobody is perfect, either in horse racing or in life's slobberknockers. I shared this with Ted last year in a down period and now I'm ready to share with others.

Over the course of many years (since first losing a job in 2007 and until last year), I lived beyond my means. Racing/DerbyWars, poker and just frivolous spending in general. Even with marriage in 2010 and the arrival of a child in 2013, I didn't change my habits. Then last year, when the tab became too much for me to handle, I turned to one of those debt relief/settlement agencies who advertise how they can work with creditors to settle your debts at half of what you owe. Basically, you stop paying off your cards, contributing a large chunk of your paycheck to a separate settlement fund (in my case, bi-weekly) and this company eventually negotiates a settlement with a creditor at a lower balance than originally built. You pay this settlement as well as the company's fees out of this separate account.

No sooner than I would find out that maintaining this program would be difficult. In order to keep up with rent, utilities and other household items, I was tapping into savings. Around February of this year, the skies seemed to clear up. A good chunk of my debt was being settled and I was making enough money at my job where I was able to sustain without tapping into what became a beleaguered savings account. I was able to re-up with RDSS (Ted was generous enough to place me on a short term lease) and began to play with regularity again.

Around mid-March, right around the time where I was seemingly having a huge bout of success with using the program and betting, the very ugly side of debt settlement reared its head without warning. I was at work that night when I got a frank text from my wife saying that she was trying not to freak out, but some guy knocked on our door at dinner and handed her some documents. The text revealed a picture of a lawsuit that one of my creditors filed against me. Naturally, I was freaking out. The next day, I contacted the debt program agency to inform them. You see, in this program, they enroll you in legal security should lawsuits happen. You send them the legal paperwork and their lawyers negotiate with the lawyers for the creditor and attempt to work something out. Within days, they came to a settlement. However, in the coming weeks, more legal letters would make their way to my home, and these subsequent settlements have again hamstrung me, both monetarily and mentally.

To have success in any game, whether it be a game of chance or skill, you have to have the right mindset. When the lawsuits began rolling in, my psyche became very fragile. I truly believe that with this "gorilla in the room" clearly on my mind, it had a profound effect on some of my decisions. Even when I had another sharp run in April, losing any race began having an adverse effect.

As of this writing, my savings account - already having had taken a massive hit - is almost cleaned out dry. The wave of settlements stemming from those lawsuits, is bleeding me dry. I was barely able to make rent last month and am really having to watch every penny coming out of my bank account more than ever before. From a work standpoint, I am working close to 10-hour days (230pm until sometimes close to 1am or later), leaving me exhausted if I have to be up in the morning for my son. If my wife take him to his aunt's on the other days, I will sleep until 11, only to turn around and go back to work for 230. Now, we are adding a 6th day for the summer season to meet demand. I am a walking zombie most days. Even with the extra money coming in, the settlements and other expenditures are cannibalizing it quickly.

Out of necessity, I had to opt out of the next renewal of my short term RDSS. I can't play the races right now. My funds are scarce and my psyche too scared. Saratoga? Up in the air right now.

It upsets me to write something like this, because I have gotten along well with most everybody here, and this may change your opinion of me as an individual. I have to live with that. When I wrote Ted about my plight last year, I mentioned that I wasn't looking for any sort of handout and that I made my bed and need to rest in it. On the other hand, one of my friends encouraged me to reach out and ask for help/assistance to get through this. I am thinking that the latter isn't a terrible idea at this point.

I am hoping to eventually get back to active participation once a lot of this smoke clears. However I don't know when that will be. It is extremely defeating in many ways because I am letting both myself and my family down by not being able to sufficiently provide. Every single day is filled with nerves on how I will somehow be able to make a utility payment or be able to save enough to the side to ensure I am able to pay for groceries or a Mother's Day gift for my wife. The fear is paralyzing on many days.

If people here wish to assist either monetarily and/or with support and encouragement, I am both humbled and appreciative of it. As I said before, I made my bed. Now is not a time to get chewed out and chastised for my mistakes. I've heard enough of that chatter in the past year and it is defeating. I don't need another reminder of how I am a loser in life. I just want to close this dark chapter of my life and see the blue sky of a new chapter.

Thank you for humoring me. This was a long post, but I feel 1000x better for sharing my story.

Tim Bullock
nyracingfan@gmail.com